Nick Kyrgios will open up his
Wimbledon campaign on Monday afternoon and ahead of that, he took part in a long form interview with Men's Health discussing a myriad of topics.
This included his own battles with mental health, addiction, self-harming and having suicidal thoughts.
During a dark period of his life, he said he couldn't feel anything at all and he was numb.
"I was numb. I was running on autopilot every day. I was pushing away family, friends and relationships. My career was on autopilot. I was doing things because I was told to do them. I literally couldn’t feel anything at all," he said to
Men's Health.
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"The only time I felt anything was when I was doing those things [self-harm, cutting or burning] or when I was drinking. That’s when I felt okay, and that’s concerning. I was playing in tournaments, thousands of people watching me, and I didn’t feel anything. Most people would feel great being able to do that. I felt terrible. It was a rough time, not pleasant at all, never remotely close to decent.
Dealing with racism
But he hasn't only dealt with that side of his life but also opened up on one which wasn't necessarily known with bad racism back home in Australia.
"I have. I have dealt with bad racism. Australia is a pretty racist country in general, one of the most racist countries in the world.
"I have grown some thick skin in sport and in life, so I deal with it better than I did. But it’s never easy.
"Some of the most iconic people in sport in Australia have told me and my family to go back where we came from and this kind of bullshit. Stuff that isn’t acceptable, not acceptable at all.
Bad boy image both a help and hindrance
Speaking on his bad boy image, Kyrgios admits that it has been a help and a hindrance to him in his career with the perception being blurred by reality.
"I would say at times it has helped me and at times it hasn’t. Tennis is a very repetitive sport – it’s not easy, it can be very tedious and amazing discipline and amazing patience are required. People see me as volatile, but you don’t make it this far in the sport without composure and patience. I’m actually incredibly patient."
"I feel I’ve always been a perfectionist and, sometimes, to get the best out of myself I have to fire myself up, get out of a rut, lift my energy levels. A mental outburst can get me going. It’s all about balance. All athletes get into a zone and need to be pumped up to some extent."
Wouldn't be unfulfilled without a Grand Slam title
But Kyrgios who reached a Grand Slam singles final for the first time at Wimbledon last year doesn't think he would leave the sport unfulfilled if he never achieves his dreams.
"Not at all. I’ve had that conversation with myself and it’s a tough one to have. Every day since I came on the scene, everyone in the sport has had an opinion about me. ‘He’s one of the most talented players… will he ever fulfil his potential… will he this, will he that?’ If you allow their expectations to influence you, you can feel like a failure. But I can look back and I’ve achieved some pretty cool things. I’ve achieved a lot, been on an amazing journey."
